I’ve never shared anything about my divorce publicly before (and, spoiler alert, if you’re here for the hot goss, you’re not gonna find that). You will, however, find some reflections, thoughts, and insights from a 30-year-old who feels like she’s stepping out into life for the first time.
Up until recently, I hadn’t felt ready to share much about my divorce journey because it felt too painful. As anyone who’s experienced loss knows, grieving takes time. It goes through many different stages, oftentimes multiple times over.
It’s now been a little over a year and a half since my spouse and I separated and a month since our divorce has been official. I wasn’t sure what it was going to feel like when the final news arrived. I realize now though that it was never about that one moment. Rather, it was about a culmination of moments and the lessons I learned from them along the way.
Throughout this past year and a half, I’ve documented my journey in various ways. Today, I want to share one of them with you here.
Divorce was never an option for me.
Maybe it was my religious upbringing that stigmatized those who experienced divorce.
Maybe it was my determination mentality that believed when you start something, you see it through.
Maybe it was that I loved my wife and wanted to continue building a future together.
Maybe it was that I enjoyed our life and didn’t want to upend what we had co-created throughout the last decade.
Maybe it was that I desperately wanted our story to work out.
Maybe it was that I was scared to be alone for the first time ever in my life.
Or, maybe it was a combination of all of those things.
There are a lot of reasons I didn’t want to get divorced. However, I believe life has a way of guiding us to what we need. We might not always want or even be ready to acknowledge those things. But, in the end, I believe what’s meant for us will find a way.
Documenting Grief Through Film
If you were to ask a handful of photographers why they take photos, you’d get a variety of responses. Some might say it’s a creative outlet, or a way to express themselves. Others might say they use it to document life’s precious moments or earn an income. For others, it could be a combination of things. In my case, photography was a way to work through my grief.
This time last year (December 2023), I was in LA going through the process of selling our home. My ex and I had been separated for 7 months and I was still experiencing heavy moments of grief. As the marriage chapter of my life was coming to a close, I found myself wanting to document my experience.
I’ve always loved photos and believe they have the power to preserve memories and take us back to certain moments. I also believe that all of life’s moments (not just the pretty ones) are worth documenting.
So, as I unpacked boxes from storage, separated out the contents, and packed them back up, I photographed.
It’s strange to see a life that you spent 10 years building get disassembled in less than two months. Objects like dinner plates that had never held any notable significance to me in the past now became items that I found myself struggling to part with. Memories seemed to be ingrained in each object and letting go of them was a repeated reminder that life was leading me to let go of something much bigger – the future I had envisioned for myself. A future that, at the time, I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to.
I’m thankful to say that today, I view my future a bit differently. Instead of seeing just one path ahead, I see several. I believe life is full of wonderful opportunities and experiences. And the exciting (and sometimes terrifying) part is that it’s up to me to decide which ones to pursue.
I never wanted divorce to be a part of my story. However, this journey has been one of the most profound and transformational experiences of my life.
I love the person I am today and no longer look at divorce as a failure. Rather, I see it as another one of life’s stepping stones.
Through my divorce journey, I have come to better understand and relate to not just myself, but also the human experiences of love, loss, and life. And THAT is worth celebrating!
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