Oh, Amsterdam. This trip to Europe wasn’t my first time visiting the continent. However, in many ways, it feels like the entry point to my time spent abroad. But, more on that some other time. Today’s post is all about my first trip to Amsterdam what I learned about myself while managing mental health issues abroad.
You never really know what someone is going through. On the outside, it can look one way, but reality often is another.
That’s how I felt during my trip to Amsterdam.
It was summer, 2022 and the opportunity to tag along on my spouse’s work trip came up to which I eagerly said “yes”.
We had just finished spending time with family in Las Vegas and (despite a small scare from learning we had been exposed to COVID – that luckily, we did not contract) I was ready to set off on this adventure.
However, it wasn’t going to quite be the European vacation I had anticipated.
My Journey Managing Mental Health Abroad
A Rocky Start
A few days before the trip, I received some upsetting news. As much as I tried to move through it and put on a happy face, I couldn’t – at least not fully. So, I proceeded to go through the next eight days half present and half buried in a mental fog.
That was just the beginning though and more disaster was just around the corner. This time, it was my own doing and, unfortunately, not all that uncharacteristic.
A Not-So-Happy Accident
On our transatlantic flight, I decided to upgrade my internet and get some work done. A couple of hours later, it was time for our first meal. I closed my MacBook and tucked it between the seat cushions to my left. If you’ve ever had a meal on a plane, you know this – the tray tables are barely large enough to hold a meal, much less a meal and two drinks (yes, I’m one of those people, but what can I say? Your girl has to hydrate.). I was in the process of prepping my green tea, when I knocked the cup over and spilled hot water all over my lap and my surroundings – including the laptop I had just “stowed away”.
Despite my blunder, I remained hopeful. It couldn’t be that bad – the laptop was shut and most of the water spilled onto me anyways, right? I quickly shook the water off and flipped the computer open. Unsurprisingly, it did not power on. “Great! There goes the $20 I just spent on internet.” I thought. (Joke’s on me because I would later pay a few hundred dollars to get it repaired).
We arrived in Amsterdam and made our way to the hotel. Sure enough, the laptop still wouldn’t power on. Since I work remote, I hadn’t planned on taking time off during this trip and was starting to get anxious. If my laptop wouldn’t power on, I figured I would just have to resort to the hotel’s business center computers. But, for one reason or another, luck was not on my side. I’m sure the universe was trying to get my attention and tell me to slow down, but I wasn’t in the habit of listening to their gentle prompts just yet. No, that required some bigger prompting. But again, that’s another story for another day.
The Breaking Point
Of course, there was still the matter of jet lag to fight my way through. Normally, I was the kind of person who would push through the fatigue (because you don’t travel all this way just to sleep in a hotel), but this time I let the jet lag win. At least when I was sleeping, my mind didn’t have a chance to think. I slept most of the next morning away and, when I woke up, I was not in a good space. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say a panic attack and a desperate reach to an online therapist I had never spoken to before were involved. They did introduce me to the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique though, which I’ll always be deeply grateful for.
Finding Pockets of Peace
After that first day, thankfully, the rest of the trip was less chaotic. I even managed to find some pockets of peace throughout. Like when I wandered the streets and canals of the city and (quite literally) stopped to smell the flowers at Bloemenmarkt. Or, when I sat in the sunshine and enjoyed a cup of coffee at a cafe like a true European.
There were moments where I connected to the pain of others and felt less alone in my own. Like when I visited the Anne Frank Museum and saw and heard about the conditions they lived through.
And, there were moments when I momentarily put aside everything else and simply enjoyed what was in front of me in that moment. Like when I took my first ever sip of an espresso martini and have been hooked ever since.
To some, it probably seems like this trip to Amsterdam was a disaster and, in some ways, it was. But honestly, it also taught me a lot about managing my mental health (especially while traveling abroad). It taught me that pushing myself to my limit is good when I’m running a marathon, but not so good when dealing mental or emotional crises. It taught me that avoiding my pain or pushing through it doesn’t actually help me heal – it just makes it worse. And, it reminded me that pain is a universal human experience and that, when life gets shitty, sometimes the best course of action is to simply pause, and rest.
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